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LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your
person where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the
guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do
this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the
drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose
as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat
several times, or until your person makes you stop.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test
your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid
off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine
wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control
body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and
dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then
swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants
them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at
the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans
remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn
them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes
wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old
candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the
papers all over the house until your person comes home.
SOFAS: They are to dogs as napkins are to people. After eating it is
polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers
clean.
BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and
themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit!", especially if
your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before
black-tie events.
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a
fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump
doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when
combined with The Sniff. See above.
LOVE: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without
restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If
you're lucky, a human will love you in return.
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